How stepchildren can ruin a marriage
It is the typical fairy tale:
You meet a nice man. It clicks between you. You are going to live together.
And then it turns out that it doesn’t click at all between you and his stepchildren.
In this article, I will teach you how to deal with this. If you follow my tips, it’s easier than you think.
There are a total of 7. Are you reading with me?
Tip 1: Realize that your stepchild sees you as a threat
You sit on a couch on any Sunday afternoon. Then suddenly, the door flies open, and there is someone in a doorway that you do not know.
That person says: “Hi there. “
You ask: “Who are you?”
The person in the doorway answers:
“I am a friend of your new friend. And I’m coming to live with you from now on.”
I can imagine that this will fall raw on your roof. If someone just stands at your door, he or she has decided to come and live with you.
How can that be? Is it still your own house? This is what many stepchildren go through when their dad gets a girlfriend.
Do you realize that you will always be the bogeyman?
Unless you follow my tips, you will always be a stranger in the stepchild’s world.
You just invade him or her and the father. At least, in the eyes of the stepchild.
I understand that you like:
“I have a relationship with your father. And you just have to deal with it. “
This is a normal situation. Not very pleasant, but you will have to get used to it.
Tip 2: Realize that it is your job to ensure that your stepchild likes you
If you have a relationship with a man who has a child, it is essential for him that his child loves you.
In most cases, it will not be possible to have a relationship if the child doesn’t like you. The father will always choose his child.
At least if it’s OK. It would be a little crazy if he would go for you, while his loyalty should lie with the child.
Given the situation in which you walk into the life of the stepchild without being asked, it is essential to do it correctly. You cannot just walk in and expect to be welcomed with open arms.
You will, therefore, have to take a more careful approach and take into account the feelings of the child.
Unless you are fortunate and the child likes you from the start.
But this is the same as hoping that the Netherlands will become champions every two years. You can expect it, but the chance that it will happen is somewhat small/, and you cannot control it.
What you can do to convince even the most challenging stepchild that you are cooling is:
Tip 3: Do not stand above the child in the pecking order
The fastest way to alienate your stepchild is to play the boss over him or her.
You are already a newcomer. If you are going to play the authoritarian bird again, you will not make yourself popular with that.
There are times to be a strong, independent woman.
But eye to eye with your new stepchild, who wonders what you are doing in this house, this is not one of those moments.
You are not responsible for the upbringing
It is not your child. So from day 1, you don’t have to present yourself as a parent figure.
Your number 1 goal is to ensure that your stepchild no longer experiences you as a threat.
You do this by approaching him or her calmly and kindly.
And to have the empathy that belongs to the situation.
Ask your stepchild for permission
I can imagine that you use a reverse approach. When you are in the room with your stepchild and your friend, and you kiss him a mouthful.
… then ask the stepchild if this is OK. Say for example:
“Oh, sorry. I don’t know if you find this annoying. If that is the case, we will not do it in front of you. “
If you can handle that calmly, and do it in an adult way, and give the child the option.
In most cases, you will receive permission. And if that is not the case, you have at least gained a bit of confidence.
You take into account what the child wants. As a result, the respect between you begins to grow.
Tip 4: Don’t care for it personally
I have bad news for you:
The stepchild will make every effort to get you on the shelf.
He or she does not express this. Realize what the stepchild has been dealing with lately:
- A separation. Parents who have split up.
- Doubts and hope that this might one day come true.
- Adapt to the new living and living situation.
- The little sorrows that every child has.
Apart from the fact that a divorce is not wrong, every child naturally has its little problems.
All pressure is relieved of you
If you come to that, it can all add up. And there can be a lot of pressure on the child, who will react nicely to you.
That is not so strange:
You don’t belong at all in her or his eyes. That is if you do not follow the tips in this article. As a result, you will always be portrayed as the black sheep.
I especially recommend keeping it adult. And not to go along with the child’s ego-battles. It is severe enough without you want to measure your strength with him or her.
Tip 5: Be the Santa Claus
You do not have the responsibility for education. This offers unprecedented possibilities.
I used to have a grandfather. He always gave me candy or a bag of money. He is naughty things. He did what he wanted and came across as a flier.
This naturally made him my favorite grandfather.
My parents did not find such success. In my mother’s childhood, he was very strict.
But because he behaved dissolutely in this situation, I thought he was accommodating. I liked him. While my other grandfathers and grandmothers were always very authoritarian, I couldn’t get along much less with that.
Since you have no responsibility for the child and it is your number 1 mission to become friends with your stepson or daughter. What do you think I’m going to recommend to you now?
Be the nice stepmother
- For example, if your stepdaughter is numbering, give her pocket money at the school party. Give her a wink and say, “Don’t tell Dad.”
- If he or she is a little younger, secretly give a cookie if the father is not looking. Make it a game.
- Take them now and then to do something fun just because it’s possible.
Your goal is to be the nice stepmother, who is spontaneous and with whom it is always fun. Your goal is not to bribe the stepchild with presents. That won’t work.
But there is an excellent middle way, where you do not hand out punishment, and you do have fun.
Tip 6: Tell your partner that you do not want to be responsible for the upbringing
It may be that a little conversation with your partner is needed. To be sure that your expectations are in line.
It may be that he decides that it is normal if you help with parenting.
But you can thank you for that.
If you have become friends with the stepchild, you can always do that
But you first have to get it to the point that you are welcome at home. That you don’t have to fight verbally with the stepchild with every step you take. This way, you prevent a lot of problems.
And if you have everything done well after six months to a year, you can always take on more responsibility.
The result is that if you apply the rules too hard, the stepchild will no longer like you. And that most fathers will choose their children when it comes down to it.
If you want to maintain the relationship, you will have to be ahead of it.
Tip 7: Do you realize that children are opportunists?
You will not be able to stand the stepchild in the first instance. That is in line with expectations.
But if you turn out to be fun or offer financial opportunities (such as in the school party example).
Then children are so pragmatic just to accept it. And every time they do that, you rise a little in their regard.
If they get things from you that they don’t get from their parents, you get into an outer category. And that is precisely where you want to be.
No matter how great the battle may seem at first.
As long as you make it cozy every time, it will naturally pass so that you will never again have to deal with relationship problems caused by a stepchild.
Some step parents sigh that it is complex. That’s it too
But the success of a love relationship in a newly constituted family is really possible. Keep the above tips in mind and just stay yourself.
You are human. You can love. You can make mistakes. You can learn. You don’t have to be perfect. You have everything to give this family a chance. So: very mild for yourself and for your family members. That way you can create something beautiful together.
Step-parenting is a challenging role with good sides too. You are a special person in the lives of the children and you may eventually get a bond with them that is different from what their parents have with them. You then become an added value in the children’s lives.
That is why it is also called plus parent, bonus parent or gift parent.