The silence treatment, existential fear and narcissistic behavior

The silence treatment is a name for the behavior of someone who ignores his or her partner and does not want to speak anymore and does not let them know. One person hands out for connection and the other does not care at home. You no longer hear anything, no initiative is taken and someone is completely ignored. The underlying message is: “you no longer exist for me.” It is the same as wishing someone dead. Energetically this is also felt this way and therefore it always comes deep inside the person receiving the silence treatment. Existential fears are affected: can I still be there?

Consequences of silence treatment

Certainly if there is love between people, the silence treatment will ensure that people withdraw from themselves. They become uncertain and start doubting themselves. There are obstructive thoughts: “I must have done it wrong. I should have done it differently. If someone no longer shows an interest in me, I must have messed it up. “In the worst case, an identification takes place with the feeling of uncertainty. You do not feel insecure, failed or worth nothing, no you are insecure, failed and worth nothing. That expresses itself in every way you are. Depression can result. Women in particular tend to focus on silence treatment. But nothing is less true. The silence treatment also says everything about the person who gives it. You look in the mirror of each other’s soul.

Everything or nothing

There is no one in the world who, out of love for another, gives someone a silent treatment. Someone does it purely out of self-preservation and one hundred percent self-interest. And whoever ignores his or her partner, boyfriend or girlfriend, does not always have the intention of wishing someone dead, even if you can feel it as a recipient. Sometimes someone simply has no room (anymore) for you, or there are undiscussed boundaries or an interest is lost. Sometimes it is out of love for themselves that contact is broken.

But if this is the case, then it is useful to discuss this with each other so that there is no more energy for doubts about each other or about the relationship. Staying with questions because someone gives you a silent treatment is damaging to your self-confidence. However, you are the only one who can restore that self-confidence. It is not for nothing that in twin soul relationships, many periods of silence and no contact. Because here too love is experienced as all-embracing. When a silence comes, it feels the same as dying on the inside.

Narcissistic behavior

Giving a silent treatment is also applied as a conscious choice by people who exhibit narcissistic behavior. It is a form of complete self-love that shows itself to the outside world as emotional aggression that can deeply touch the other. Certainly if there is a deep bond of love, the silence treatment comes in quite well. It is the use and use of one’s own power over another by letting the other know through behavior that this person no longer exists for you, because you now consider yourself more important. You refuse to invest in someone any longer. You are done with it. Without letting someone know what is happening in you, you have already decided: you say or do nothing anymore.


How come? That is where we have the cause of the silence treatment. It is the unconscious tendency to suppress one’s anger about something or someone, causing it to fall inward. And whoever refuses to feel this inner anger will project it onto the outside world by pretending that this person no longer exists. The restrained aggression is 100% received by the other person. Often this is the empathetic man or woman who feels everything from someone else. For those with narcissistic behavior, however, it is the only way not to feel their own anger about the exceeded limits or the undesirable situation, or to express it by honestly discussing it. It is not daring to feel the feeling of one’s own inner pain through the use of the ego. Below is the desire for unconditional love that was not received as a child and that is now being projected onto the partner.

Power and ego

The power that is felt is the power of the ego. The person receiving the silent treatment is troubled by the lack of love that first felt so total and overwhelming. A deep impotence is felt that is all-encompassing and that is often affected by old baby trauma in which you were also completely dependent on the adult. If the silence period is broken, there is the enormous relief and joy.

You live again! Then there are the tears of gratitude and love. The heart opens again, even though it is in a very vulnerable way. You never want to feel that way again! And so you start peeing again, especially to avoid being treated that way again. In an adult relationship, however, this also creates an unhealthy dependence. Whether or not to consciously play with emotions of right to exist and has a price. If the person who still receives silence treatment has nothing left to give, the relationship and this form of emotional violence will come to an end.

Attention and love

Because the cure for silence treatment is to focus your attention on yourself again. If you find yourself important, and allow yourself to make something beautiful out of life, even without the person who gives you the silent treatment, then life will automatically flow again. Know that life is more than playing with the extremes of emotions and existential fears. You don’t have to worry about not being there because you exist! Squeeze your arm. Enjoy the fact that you exist, and that there are always people who don’t need to be pushed to the limit by displaying such immature and destructive behavior.

A silent treatment is different from telling someone in all honesty that you need some time for yourself. That someone just doesn’t fit into your life. It is important that you say this to each other and explain why. Not everything that happens in someone else’s life has anything to do with you. Dare to find yourself important enough and stand up for yourself. Speak out and air your heart. If you do not receive a response, continue on your path. Life has too much to offer to want to give everything to people who don’t want to or can’t give it to you. With that you scoop yourself and nobody can do anything about it.

Love for yourself

Feel the love in yourself. Embrace yourself. Give yourself a hug. And above all: make the decision that you are worthy to love. Give love to those who appreciate it and that can also be in the form of a small gesture in normal life. Give someone a bidding hand, send a card or take a flower for someone. Happiness is never eternal and is in the small things of life. Give it to yourself!

How? Ten tips

  1. Make the inner decision that you are more important than the person who gives you the silent treatment. Finding someone equally important does not work in this case, because the other has already decided that he or she is 100% more important than you, otherwise this behavior of complete denial of your existence would not be there.
  2. Stick to the decision, even if you miss the other so much. The starting point for your reactions and actions lies in this inner decision.
  3. Cry your grief. Give your tears room. Give yourself recognition for your sorrow. Nobody deserves to be treated that way. No adult with a sense of empathy or love for you would get something like that in their head.
  4. Seek support. Talk to friends, or a coach. Someone who stands behind you and who understands your feelings and situation.
  5. Express your emotions in a creative way. Write it off. Write poems. Go paint or play the piano. Do voice expression. Sing.
  6. Go inside and investigate the link with bold past. Do a systemic session with a coach, or a family constellation in which you introduce this theme. A Trauma Liberation Intensive is also possible.
  7. Focus on your own life, of which the other is not a part. What makes you happy? What makes you happy?
  8. Take care of your energy management. An acupuncturist or shiatsu therapist can help you restore balance.
  9. Learn to not energetically transfer all love energy to the other from the desire for unconditional love. If you want to get out of the poles of Everything and Nothing, as you experience this with Twin Souls, then you will have to learn to not always give yourself away to the other. Setting boundaries earlier and expressing them is a condition. For this it is necessary to feel for yourself and determine what you want and need in a relationship. To love someone unconditionally is something other than indicating when behavior affects your feelings of safety or trust.
  10. Research your values ​​and norms. Which partner do you want to be? Which partner can be your partner? Which behavior is acceptable? Stop just empathizing with the other and learn to have compassion for your limits, feelings of resistance, irritation, or powerlessness. They have something to tell you. What is your desire? Is your desire heard?

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